I’ve given a lot of thought as to why I ever got involved with Leslie. I was 28. After two nearly four year relationships that ended with my partners getting involved with someone else, I wanted to be in a relationship where I couldn’t be hurt as easily. I wanted someone I cared for but didn’t feel passionate about. Unfortunately, that meant she didn’t feel passionate about me either.
Leslie really wanted children. She didn’t love me but I suited her purposes. I didn’t love her much either so I felt less at risk for my heart being broken. When thinking about having a child with her, I thought about whether I wanted a relationship with a child I helped bring into the world. In my mind, I separated my relationship with the child from my relationship with Leslie. That was a stupid mistake.
I went for a walk in the woods and imagined my child walking up to me. She was 4 or 5. We spoke. I felt my relationship with her in my heart and asked myself if I wanted a relationship with her. I felt inside, thought carefully, and decided yes. I believed I could have a relationship with my child whether or not Leslie and I stayed together. I wasn’t thinking we would be staying together forever. It was a dumb thing to think as whoever I had a child with would always be in my life. This made my heart far more vulnerable than it was with two women I loved passionately and lost.
It thrust me into an eternal paradox. Without Leslie, I wouldn’t have had Adrian. Without Adrian, I wouldn’t have had Leslie. The two relationships could not be separated. I couldn’t have had one without the other. End of story.
Once I was with Rahne, this paradox was endlessly frustrating because Leslie was so uninterested in what was best for Adrian. Everything circled around what she wanted and refused to acknowledge her own hurt. This made sense because I picked Leslie for that very reason--her inability to feel.
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The constant switching between houses and mothers was stressful for Adrian. We often switched on Sunday evenings. We were all tense. Rahne and I because we didn’t know how rude Leslie would be. Adrian because she had to pack her stuff and move regardless of what she wanted.
It was brutal and ugly. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. The alternative would be to let Adrian live with Leslie most of the time. That was also unacceptable because as unstable as I was at least with Rahne we were better than Leslie. Leslie viewed Adrian as an opportunity to relive her childhood through her. She didn’t set appropriate boundaries. At times, she didn’t ensure Adrian’s safety. I had to endure it with clenched teeth. Adrian had no words to say how she was suffering through it.
After moving Adrian away from the family bed to sleeping in her own bed at our house, the next step was to help her not need the bottle to go to sleep. Leslie let her have the bottle whenever she wanted. Rahne and I started incremental limits. Adrian could have the bottle with water in it. If she wanted milk, she could have a glass. Gradually, we phased out the bottle. She didn’t like it but kids adapt.
One day she said to me, “I love you.”
“I love you too, honey.”
“But, I have to love Leslie more because she lets me have the bottle.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay if you love Leslie more. I know you love me.” It hurt my heart because I didn’t think a child should have to parse out their love like that. I knew she was telling me something about what it was like for her. She just didn’t have words other than her love to express it.