When I look at someone, I can’t tell what their orientation to the world is. When they look at me, they can’t tell either. Right now, I am hurting and angry. It is deep inside. On the outside, it doesn’t show. It’s a feeling part of me and not usually a functional one. Although, I have that too (see below).
Orientation. Is the world safe for me? Am I safe for the world? No one can tell without a careful peer inside which can’t happen casually. I want my mom. You can’t tell that by looking at me, can you?
* * * * * * *
I vacillate between which is the more overpowering: the hurt or the anger. A moment ago, I seriously contemplated killing my cat. But I know she's harder to kill than she seems. Everything is. And once I started, I'd have to finish and would probably be thoroughly overwhelmed by the time she was finally dead.
("Hey this must be that awareness of reality thing that keeps people from breaking laws. YOU ARE SOOO SMART.)
* * * * * * *
So, I say to myself, being nearly intelligent, "Oh, this is going to help a lot.” I was referring to an issue casually dropped by Adrian regarding inappropriate touch. In no way do I wish to imply, I did not want Adrian to tell me what was on her mind. It was just a case of "timing is everything.”
Anyway, Adrian told me that she hated school, everything about school. I found this unlikely and said, “To coin a phrase, Adrian, there must be a reason.” Well, the reason turned out to be Beth. A kid that was a little older in Adrian's multi-grade class. Adrian haltingly told me that Beth had stuck her finger up her tush and did not stop when Adrian repeatedly asked her to until Adrian sat down on a chair and that this happened
last week.
Hey, I know that maybe all the details aren't right, but the feeling of being inappropriately touched had to be addressed. Consequently, I got on the phone to Leslie to ascertain what Leslie knew and when. Leslie said she knew only that Beth had pinched Adrian, but she agreed this more serious concern needed to be addressed. A meeting was set up with Adrian's teacher and hopefully some clarification could occur which would be good and useful.
Like I said, it helped the general upsettedness a lot. But that’s what being present is all about. I got to do something about a problem while it is happening not twenty years later when the trail was a bit cold.
* * * * * * *
We are experiencing a moment of technical difficulty. It is not clear to us how long this moment may last. It has already lasted longer than we like.
What are the elements of this moment? It is called Planned Upsettedness. Let me explain.
I know, you know, and they know that there is more work to be done relative to the term “lesions.” However, there was the distinct impression that “time” needed to pass before any of us had the strength to confront “lesions.” Of course, we all know that once the little box currently known as “lesions” is opened we will not be such a happy tribe.
Ah, the problem: When to schedule an event as unfortunate as the “unhappy tribe.” Logically, it occurred to the driver of this ungainly ship that the Night of the Counseling Appointment would be a very good time for this to occur. As always, our captain is just a little more hopeful than reasonable. Consequently, we are in the last nine hours of waiting for the Counseling Appointment and…it might be just a little more time than we have.
Hence, the writing of this missive. It is called a Buying Time Devise. Wish me luck.