During the time of this chaos with Adrian, Leslie, Sasifraz, wheelchairs, little kid voices, and Rahne, I worked for a government human rights commission. As I was walking to work one day, I noticed a feeling I’d never had before. I parked my car down the street, crossed the railroad tracks, and walked up an incline to the building interior and elevator. After crossing the tracks, I looked out and realized I felt at peace with the world.
I hadn’t been at peace while driving ten minutes prior. I had no idea how long this feeling might last. I resolved to just notice and feel it. Regardless of long it was going to last, right then in those moments, I felt a peace I had never experienced before. It was a sense of being okay with the world and myself. I hung with the feeling.
It persisted as I walked through the building garage and into the elevator. I kept this feeling of okay-ness. I marveled at this satisfied, peaceful feeling walking down the hall into the agency front door. It lasted as I walked to my desk, sat down, and took off my coat. I took a deep breath as I readied myself for my work day. As I focused on my desk and coworkers, I felt the feeling vanish as if the wind had dissolved smoke.
The feeling had lasted ten minutes. Although I knew it would not last, I had thoroughly appreciated it while I had it. I resolved to notice the next time it happened. I called it Ten-Minutes-of-Being-at-Peace-With-the-World when I told Rahne later. Since it happened once, I knew it could happen again. It was a big step. It didn’t happen again for a week. The time frame didn’t matter. I had seen a glimpse of the possibility. I could wait. There was no hurry. My job was to just notice.
*******
(1972)
The thing about my going to Western State that’s hard to understand is that I came to life that summer. It’s not like my experience there was therapeutically helpful—far from it. That aspect did more harm than good. B.F. Skinner, be damned. What saved me was finally getting away from my parents. I could come back to life. That summer living with those 14 girls and navigating staff gave me my first experience of being alive. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
*******
(1990)
Once we got past the “I’ll call you to let you know when and where” method of co-parenting, every week required negotiating with Leslie about where Adrian would spend each night. Despite professional recommendations that stability was the best for Adrian, Leslie insisted on maximum flexibility. For Rahne, Adrian, and I, this worked out to maximum chaos and unpredictability.