After Leslie moved out and I had Adrian so much less, I found I had a lot of new time to myself. It was way more than I wanted. Inside, there were some very angry people or rather children.
Rahne and I spent most nights together. Unfortunately, many nights we were visited by younger alters of mine. Many of my interactions with Leslie triggered those small people inside and caused them to come outside. (Not to mention, those small people were recalling memories too awful to believe.)
Sarah would hide in Rahne’s closet. Mandy wanted her mother. Stephen could play catch, but Jesse was a scratcher. He repeatedly scratched me in one place until I was bloody and raw. Sometimes, he scratched my face, hands, or arms. Because I had placed myself on weapons prohibition, Sasifraz was delighted to discover how much harm could be done by mere finger nails and continuous, compulsive movement.
At night when Jesse would scratch my face, Rahne would hold his hands. But, there were many times when I was alone I would get scratched and had to go to work with a scabbed, open wound on my head or hand.
(In retrospect, it seems very sad. But, at the time, it was so much better than razor blades.)
* * * * * * *
Sasifraz continued to crave self-harm especially during those moments when no one expected me to be anywhere. One day after counseling, I asked him if he could think of something else to do regardless of cost. Together, we thought of roller skating. We went to a rental place near Green Lake in Seattle and discovered a pair of rollerblades to rent. Slightly unsteady, I skated around the lake. It was divine, and Sasifraz, himself, was thrilled at the new physical outlet.
* * * * * * *
I rented the rollerblades for a week and spent an hour or so each day cruising whatever blacktop or concrete surface that beckoned. The increasingly fluid motion made me feel an ease inside while I was skating. I could skate for hours.
The next week, I bought a pair of rollerblades on credit. It wasn’t long before Rahne wanted to skate too along with me like two little flying birds.
That summer, I used rollerblading to fill some of the void that time without Adrian left. I actually thought the joy of the movement would help me get through the grief and worry about Adrian. It didn’t hurt that Sasifraz noted that rollerblade sounded very similar to razorblade. It gave him an extra boost in his no weapons commitment.
* * * * * * *
That summer, Rahne’s parents came near her birthday. One of the first things they did was buy Rahne a pair of rollerblades.
Things were looking up. I had a lovely time with Rahne on her birthday. That night we made love and I felt myself reach a core of ecstasy and release I’d never touched before. I trusted Rahne. I knew I could be as vulnerable as I wanted.
Leslie, however, was always a problem. Still, I felt my larger vision would lead Leslie to where I wanted her in terms of time with Adrian. Things never ran smooth, but they seemed do-able to me.
And, then it happened. One Friday morning, I woke up and my right leg wouldn’t hold me up. It had happened years before when I was in sports in high school. I thought it was just a touch of an old bug—inconvenient, but temporary.
Boy, was I wrong.