Of course, just managing the anger around memories was not the hardest thing I had to learn how to handle. It was even trickier to figure out how to actually pay attention to the memories and still be safe. I was creative.
“Barbara, I got a new memory, but I don’t know how to actually say it and not have to kill myself right away.”
“What have you used before?”
“Well, I could use sign language. But, of course, you don’t actually know sign language.”
“I could get an interpreter.”
“Oh right, that’d be funny. ‘Because Joceile couldn’t actually tell her counselor stories, they had to hire a sign language interpreter.’ Or, I could video tape myself at home, and you could just show it to somebody to interpret so I didn’t see or hear those words being said to you.”
“Well, we could do that.”
“Sure, we could go to the moon too, but it wouldn’t justify the effort for me to say just a few simple words…Ok, then, here. I’ll just sign it to you so I can just get to say it.”
Thus ensued a lot of my finger spelling because my signing had never caught up with my finger spelling. Barbara watched very earnestly.
“How was that for you to do?”
“It was ok, it still felt like a big thing to sign, next time maybe I can tell you.”
“Whenever, you’re ready.”
* * * * * * *
Other times, I could write down the memories with Barbara as long as I could find a method that both expressed them and kept them as far away from my conscious mind as possible. Two competing needs vying for attention. Separate but equal.
deniahc saw taht no ralloc god a htiw dekan saw taht lrig elttil a saw erehT”
.emit gnol yrev a rof ereht tpek dna elop a ot deniahc saw ehS .kcen reh ot
kaeps reh edam dna doof god reh def yehT .reh depar dna reh truh dna emac neM
.yas dluow yeht,”hctib god a ekil karB”…
t’nac I tuB .oot ssip dna tihs tuoba ffutS .lrig elttil eht rof epacse on saw erehT”
.rehtruf yromem that otni og ot dnats
t’nac I
“So, I have a very angry alter that growls the loudest I’ve ever heard and is enraged, but doesn’t hurt me. I hold very still.
“.god a ekil depar yehT”