It was obviously Really Big Anger. I just wasn’t sure what the Really Big Anger was about. “Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a Really Big Anger. Last seen in legs, neck, shoulders, and head. Please report any sightings or descriptions immediately to the command post. Over.”
I paused for a moment hoping for a landslide of call-in reports. Nothing. I shrugged and went to eat breakfast.
* * * * * * *
What could it be? What could it be? I thought. “I’m listening, you all. I don’t hear anything. You know I’m interested. No point in keeping secrets.” Of course, the troups never responded unless they sensed either grave sincerity or a big opening for a slam dunk.
* * * * * * *
My legs hurt. My head hurt. My stomach hurt. Why? I wondered. I woke up in the morning from a dream. I thought it was about Adrian…at least in part. I couldn’t move my body at first. What was the dream about? What?
Deep inside, I felt anger. Anger roiling around inside me, wanting to express itself in action. My visions were of big hurt. Getting hurt. But, what was I angry at?
There was one inside that growled and shook its head from side to side. It was a four legged creature, a night creature that stalked inside of me. It was angry but misdirected. I was angry without direction. Was it work? Was it Adrian? Was it Leslie or one of my parents? Was it my brother? What? “I’m listening, and I’m interested. I know it may hurt. I will try to listen,” I said to those inside. But no words came yet.
* * * * * * *
Adrian called me and Rahne at Vashon on the day after Christmas. She was nearing seven years old. She talked about her presents and what she and Leslie had done with the Sister, Leslie’s sister. Then, she added almost as an after thought that she and Leslie would be at the Sister’s during the day but at a hotel the next night.
“How come?” I asked.
“Well, they’re not used to having kids around.”
“What do you think of that?”
“It’s not normal, but it’s okay.”
“Will there be a swimming pool?”
“Yeah, but indoors, not outside.”
“Well, that’s good.” I said, knowing Adrian was in Minnesota. “It wouldn’t do to have it outside there.”
Later while talking to Rahne, Adrian added that she gets “kind of grumpy with Leslie. You know, how I get kind of grumpy with Leslie? I guess they’re not used to yelling and screaming.” Rahne repeated, “yelling and screaming?” Adrian affirmed.
Rahne got off the phone. “She actually said, ‘You know how I get grumpy with Leslie.’
“Of course, we know how she gets grumpy with Leslie. We’re all angry at Leslie. But, how can she know that at six and a half?” I lamented.
Rahne added, “And she knows Leslie’s not a very good parent.”
“And she’s grumpy with her. Shit, they’re not going to wait for teenagehood or even adolescence. And yelling and screaming. Who’s doing what?”
“I don’t know.”
“I take it, it’s not Dick and Jane [the Sister].”
“Apparently not.”
* * * * * * *
(Do you suppose that’s what you’re angry about?) OF COURSE, I’M ANGRY ABOUT IT. I’M ALWAYS ANGRY ABOUT IT. BUT, I HAVE BEEN ANGRY SINCE THIS MORNING. REMEMBER, SINCE THIS MORNING. (Okay, okay, good point.)
* * * * * * *
“Remember I told you I didn’t believe in just being grumpy? A long time ago?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, this proves my point. Adrian isn’t just grumpy with Leslie. The deal is that she has stuff with Leslie that never gets addressed. So, they just give it this cute name: grumpy.” I ranted a little more to Rahne.
* * * * * * *
(My head still hurts.) I KNOW THAT. THE QUESTION IS WHY. (I don’t know yet. It just hurts.)