Entry II.8 (1989)

I spent alternate nights sleeping with Rahne at her house and at home with Adrian.  The pressure of being around Leslie became more intense.  I suggested we get counseling to make some decisions about co-parenting Adrian.  Leslie agreed.  I was wary.

We got a referral to Dr. Nan Stake.  Dr. Stake was straight but came recommended by Rahne.  Dr. Stake referred me back to Rahne not knowing the interrelations.  “Ah, no,” I said over the phone looking at Rahne, “that wouldn’t be appropriate.”

I was after some sort of agreement with Leslie about sharing time with Adrian.  I knew my position was precarious.  I expected it to be a negotiation of the trickiest order.

(MAN, I HATE MEDIATIONS.  WHO CAN EVEN STAND TO REMEMBER THE DETAILS?  Not me.)

“Let’s start with what both of your expectations are....”

“Leslie, what kind of time sharing do you envision?”

“Oh, I feel 80% of Adrian’s time with me and 20% with Joceile.”  I stiffened.

“Joceile?” asked Stake.

“I’m interested in maintaining our agreement and share Adrian 50/50.”

Stake said something about the need to find out where Joceile and Leslie were legally.  I stiffened...

(You can’t use “stiffened” twice.  She’s going to turn into a board.  OKAY, SHE FROZE.  Better.)

...I had met with an attorney and learned that because my brother was biologically Adrian’s father I could get one week-end every other week.  I piped up and firmly stated, “I have met with an attorney.  My rights are protected.  But, that is not the way I want to resolve this.”  I was relieved when Stake dropped the subject.

I had shared with Leslie copies of a parenting plan given to me by an attorney friend.  But, Leslie was completely disinterested in nailing down details or committing to anything.  After two mediations, Leslie refused to return, and I was left to my own devices.

* * * * * * *

“Leslie, we have to make some decisions about Adrian.”

“I’m just interested in staying here and having a good summer.”

A good summer, I fumed.  I was being tortured and all Leslie wanted was a good summer.

“So, have you and Rahne had sex yet?”

“Yes,”  I knew I shouldn’t answer.

“Well, how’s it going?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you always had trouble when we were together.”

“It’s going fine.  You didn’t seem to care about sex when we were together.”  Now, I stepped in it.

“Oh, it didn’t matter.  I slept with others.”

With that, I was hooked.  “Who?”

“Oh, Jet and others.”

I felt a burn of anger start in my chest.  When I met her, Leslie was sleeping with a man, Jet, and two other women at the same time.  She and I had a long standing agreement that we would not have affairs while together.  “How long did you sleep with Jet?”

“Oh, often until after I was pregnant for awhile.”

“Who else?”

“Oh, I don’t think there’s any need to name names.”

I was caught like a fly in a spider web.  Leslie walked outside as I burned up inside.  Here I was giving my house to this woman that threatened to take my daughter.  Who told me she had lied almost our entire relationship.  And, just wanted to have a good summer.  I followed Leslie outside.

“Okay, you win.  You’ve got me.  You wanted to hurt me, and you succeeded.  Hit me right on target.  A good shot.  So, now I’m supposed to return in kind.  You can’t stay here in this house and treat me this way.  You have to move, and you have to be out by June 1^st.”

Leslie sputtered, "But, you said….”

“Yes, I did, and now I’ve changed my mind.”  The only problem, of course, was this was mid-April.  How was I going to survive until June, and how was I going to survive after June?

Entry II.7 (1989)

At first, or all along, I was terrified that Leslie would take Adrian away from me.  The only thing that held me together was knowing that Leslie could not tolerate having Adrian alone for long periods of time.  Intellectually, I knew that if I just kept being there for Leslie to give Adrian to, Leslie would take the easy path and not find a substitute.

In my heart, I did not have intellectual beliefs and the constant fear tore me up inside. I did not know how to quit living with Leslie and assure myself of my time with Adrian.  Finally, I struck on a plan.  What if I moved out of the house and Leslie remained there even if I owned the house?  That way, I could always find Leslie and Adrian.  I proposed this plan to Leslie, who, being the one that always goes down the path of least resistance, accepted gracelessly.

Now, it was me that had to move from the home I’d never planned on leaving and take my dog and cat.  It was an overwhelming but necessary plan.  My main concern was rent.  I didn’t make that much money.  I knew I would find a way.  For awhile, it gave me comfort.

* * * * * * *

In April, Rahne and I had made a plan to go to a cabin together for a week in the San Juan Islands in the summer.  It would be the first break either of us had had in awhile.  Adrian was staying with Leslie for the week who was also going on a trip.

The weather was beautiful.  The cabin was idyllic, located down a dirt road surrounded by woods.  It was bright with light wood and soft throw rugs.  Rahne and I were in heaven.

* * * * * * *

“Mommy,” a little voice called after I fell asleep.  Rahne turned and listened.  “Mommy?”

“Your Mommy’s not here.  Who are you?”  It was a little voice coming out of me.  A voice Rahne had not heard before.  

“Mommy.  I want my Mommy.”  

“I’m here.  My name is Rahne.  But, your Mommy’s not here.”

“Where is she?  I’ve been looking for her everywhere.”

“I don’t know where she is,” Rahne said carefully, “but, you’re here with me.”

Finally, the child went to sleep reassured.   Before she slept, she told Rahne her name was Mandy, and she was three.  Of course, in the morning, Rahne and I had one or two things to talk about.

* * * * * * *

Sometime during the next morning, Rahne said, “Ah, Joceile.  Do you remember someone talking last night while you were asleep?”

“Oh yeah.  I do remember.  Can you tell me what happened?”

Rahne relayed the discussion from the night before.  “She seemed pretty sweet and harmless.”

“That’s nice,” I said.  Neither of us exactly admitted just what it might mean about me.  We were on vacation after all.

* * * * * * *

A few nights later, there was a different voice in the middle of the night.  Someone scared, terrified and wanting to scratch their face off requiring Rahne told hold my hands.  He was older, more injured, and his name was Jesse.  Jesse James, I thought, but still didn’t let myself think about what these new names might mean.

* * * * * * *

Rahne and I had a good trip full of making love, talking, walks, and exploring the island.  With no telephone, just being alone together was restful enough.  Except we weren’t quite alone with those little nighttime voices.  Still, the time was a delight.

Entry II.6 (1989)

Getting rid of Leslie in my life to the greatest extent possible while retaining as much of my relationship with Adrian as I could took a really long time.  For me, it felt like it took superhuman patience.

The problem was that I wasn’t sure how to quit living with Leslie and still see Adrian as much.  Leslie was her usual unhelpful self.  (I write this after five more years of dealing with her.)  There were an interminable amount of steps to the problem requiring not only my patience but also the ability to stay focused in reality for extended periods of time.  I wasn’t used to doing this.  It was how I’d gotten into and stayed in relationship so long with Leslie in the first place.

Step 1:  The Family Bed

I had increasingly felt uncomfortable sleeping with Adrian.  I was never quite clear there was a difference between my sleeping with Adrian and my mother sleeping with me.  However, Leslie proved to be a strong believer in the “Family Bed,” and my misgivings were deeply buried.

What I did know was if it had to be one of us sleeping with Adrian I wanted it to be me.  I proved very, very adept at sleeping with an infant/toddler.  Leslie complained of her sleep being interrupted.  As a result, Adrian and I started sleeping in another bedroom long before we broke up.

While Adrian was nursing at night, I would bring her into Leslie twice a night.  I would either wait for Adrian or Leslie would bring her back to me.  Leslie espoused that this made me a saint of a lover.  I knew it meant something altogether different, but I enjoyed Leslie’s appreciation any way.  We never talked about what it might indicate about our relationship.  I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up.  I was happy and content to sleep away from Leslie.  It wasn’t something I wanted to fix.

* * * * * * *

I recognized that there had to be a process of transitioning Adrian from sleeping every night with me as I did not wish to live with Leslie forever.  I knew nights would have to be split.  I wanted to ease Adrian into that change gently, because I knew it would be an important part to Leslie and I living apart.  So, I proposed to Leslie that she and I alternate nights sleeping with Adrian.  Leslie agreed (how could she not) and the new arrangement began.

It was hard for me to give up some of Adrian when Leslie was acting so threatening.  But, I knew it was essential to Adrian’s well being to have as strong a foundation as possible for when Leslie and I stopped living together.

Entry II.5 (1989)

For me, it was like flying into a cloud bank.  There was no rest for the wicked.  Flying high with great visibility, and then nothing but impenetrable white everywhere.

So began a descent into my own private hell.  Surely, I thought, it couldn’t get any worse.  (But, I digress.)

* * * * * * *

From that point, Rahne and I resolved to do nothing quickly.  Although, we experienced the anticipation of raging hormones.  We had hugged and held each other for years with the occasional peck on the lips.  After Rahne broke up with Rose, finally, our kisses could linger and our tongues introduce themselves to each other.

In the midst of this blossoming ecstasy, there was brewing trouble.  The moments of peace were brief staccatos in my life of chaos punctuated by frequent calls to BJ.

“How are you doing with all this?”

“Well, Leslie’s being a shithead.   Although, Sasifraz is being well behaved for the most part.  Rahne and I talk all the time, and we’re talking about being lovers.  And, its really overwhelming, and I’m not sure what to do exactly but I know I’ll get through this and….”

“Hold on.  Hold on.  What’s this?  You and Rahne are talking about being lovers?  She’s gonna break up with Rose.  I think you’re moving way too fast here.”

“I know, but it has to be this way.  I can’t turn back.  I’ll explain it to you when I see you.”

I did explain it to BJ when I saw her.  At least, I explained it as well as I could when I had omitted mentioning the possibility of being lovers with Rahne to BJ over the previous couple years.  Denial’s such a wonderful thing.

“We’ve been talking about it forever.  But, we knew we could either bring out the best in each other or bring out the worst.  We’ve always said it would be six months of heaven and three years of hell with each other.”

“So, how are you going to make it any different?”

“We’re going to have to work like hell.”

“Specifically, what are you going to do differently?”

“I’m gonna keep talking to her no matter how difficult and not get a backlog of resentments.”

“Do you have a sense that you can do that?”

“I don’t know.”

* * * * * * *

Sasifraz, of course, was never satisfied.  Although he had agreed to a behavior change, he was ever the motormouth.  Change didn’t come easy in that department.

“You’re gonna fail.  You’re gonna fail.  You’ve destroyed your relationship with Rahne.  Now, you’re gonna loose her.  And, you’re gonna loose Adrian.  Leslie’s gonna take her away.”

“Would you just chill out?”  I pleaded.

“Oh sure, I can be quiet for a bit.  But, when I come back, the truth will still be the same.”

“You know you could try and help me.”

“Help you.  Ha!  You don’t need any help to fail.  You can do that just fine without me.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.  I mean, no.  Oh, Sasifraz, stop it.”

“As you wish...for the moment.”

* * * * * * *

Then, there was the unfortunate matter of Leslie, Adrian, and I living together.  I felt trapped.  Leslie had every intention of holding me hostage over Adrian.  It wasn’t long before I realized I would have to be the voice for health.  I couldn’t wait for Leslie to notice what was unhealthy for the three of us.

Entry II.4 (1989)

The next day was a racquetball day.  I came down with a blistering headache.  Rahne and I had a racquetball date every Wednesday night.  I had no intention of missing our date.

Rahne had been speaking to me about her need to stop talking about sex and making verbal love to me.  It had begun to feel hurtful to Rahne.  She didn’t want to betray Rose.  But, this day, after Sasifraz’s revelation, I had come to a decision.  All day I worked over in my mind the words I wanted to say to Rahne that night.  “I know you told me you didn’t want to be emotional lovers any more.  But, it’s time to face up to the fact that we already are lovers, and I want us to acknowledge that and be lovers.”  I recited my speech to myself in the shower, when I ate, and all day long.

Finally, Rahne called about racquetball.  I admitted I had a migraine but could Rahne come and pick me up anyway so we could talk?  Rahne said, “Of course.”

Leslie’s sarcastic response was, “Oh, isn’t that nice.  You’re such good friends she’d come over and pick you up so you don’t miss your date.”

* * * * * * *

Rahne and I were eager to talk.  We both had things to say to each other.  We’d both been thinking all day.  Once we were settled on Rahne’s bed (I had to be prone), Rahne started.  “I’ve been thinking about what’s happened and our talk about not being emotional lovers any more.  I’ve had a realization that’s hard for me to say.  I don’t know what it means.  But, I need to say it, I’ve realized I’m in love with you.”

I started breathing again and said, “Well, I have a little speech to make.”  I paused nervously, “I’ve realized that we already are lovers, and I want to start acting like it.”

“You do.  We can?!”  In that instant, things changed between us.  Rahne laid down next to me.  “Are we really going to do this?  What about the six months of ecstasy and the three years of hell?”  It was a long running joke between us as to why we couldn’t be lovers—that it wouldn’t work out well in the end.

I put my arms around Rahne and said, “Yes, we are.  We’re gonna have to work on it really hard.”

Suddenly, a dam of electricity broke between us.  We knew nothing was going to happen right away.  But from that moment, things changed forever.  A new door had opened, and we were going to walk through it together.

* * * * * * *

The true innocent adult bystander in all this was Rose.  Rahne had realized when she told me that we had to stop talking about sex that she was going to break-up with Rose.  But, Rose had been away on business, and Rahne had to wait to tell her.

In the meantime, Rahne and I realized the depths of our caring for each other now that Sasifraz was ceasing to be such a threat.  Nevertheless, there was no way this picture didn’t look contrived.  It was hurtful to Rose.  The best Rahne and I could do was not consummate our loveship until Rahne had broken up with Rose.  That happened pretty quickly after Rose got back in town.  Rahne couldn’t even sleep through the night with such big issues looming.

Next, there was the fiery tempest of Leslie to resolve.  Truly, this took every ounce of emotional strength I had garnered in my six years of counseling with BJ to get through.  For Leslie, too, was a hall of mirrors reflecting one armada of anger after another.  Leslie had been taught get-backs well.  The further she got from her own pain, the more she acted out.  The corollary seemed to be:  The more get-backs she got, the further away she got from her own pain.  This left precious little room for the care and nurturing of the Gentle Wind.

Entry II.3 (1989)

The adult me struggled.  (And I must admit, as writer, I began to admire the struggle.)  Adrian had her second birthday.  After that, Leslie pulled out all the stops.  It was not enough that everyone had pain about the break-up of the household.  Leslie had to make me pay for my actions in the most damaging way possible.

“You have no legal right to her,” she would say to me referring to Adrian.

“We made an agreement, Leslie, and I expect you to stick to it.”

“I have no agreements with you.”  It came as a belated revelation to me that Leslie had no sense of personal ethics and that in fact she had no basic respect for Adrian as an individual with her own needs.  “I’m her mother.  I know what’s best for her,” Leslie would insist.  “She doesn’t need you any more.”

At first, I tried to argue the point.  Leslie was unwilling to concede anything.  I tried rational persuasion and then in frustration yelled at Leslie—all to no avail.  Leslie was unmoved.

I had been willing to continue living with Leslie at first.  Recognizing we had little intimacy between us as lovers, I thought merely being roommates was hardly a change.  Of course, I was wrong.

Leslie would lie in wait for me to come home to start in on me.  I quickly learned that arguing back was pointless.  In some instances, I garnered strength to focus on the fact that the real issue was that Leslie was hurt.  However, Leslie refused to admit that her reactions were in any way related to her own pain.

Finally, I began to get angry.  It was that deep burning rage that rises up in the face of so much abuse.  When Leslie would come at me with a verbal assault, I would feel that after all my attempts at communication I now just wanted to hit her.

I could feel in my body how close we were to blows.  Perpetuation of my own abuse by exposing Adrian to that kind of behavior was my deepest pain.  As a result, I decided the only way to stop this cycle was to remove myself from Leslie’s presence.

This, of course, gave Leslie more options for battering me about not caring enough for Adrian as if Leslie was holding Adrian hostage.  But, I knew it was bullshit and resolved to hold myself to the highest standards of behavior in order to not participate in further abuse. (The struggle was on.  Somehow, I persisted.)

* * * * * * *

In the way that everything comes to a head at once, the relationship between Rahne and I continued to deepen.  When people talk about what means the most to them, more intimacy is bound to occur as it did with me and Rahne.

Also, in the face of Leslie’s attacks, I needed a place to stay with more frequency and began staying at Rahne’s.  When Sasifraz was pushing me to the brink of disaster, I was not alone.

* * * * * * *

Like brush strokes across a page, the dawn of change starts slowly but builds up so quickly.  Like Rahne and I, Sasifraz and Rahne were building their relationship as well.

During the course of long discussions about the relative merits of Sasifraz continuing to do his job and hurt me, there were spaces where they both realized how much, in fact, they both cared for me.

Sasifraz had been pushing and pulling about his job.  “I hate her.  It’s my job to kill her.”

“Who gave you that job?”  Rahne asked.

“The Dead Man.”

“Joceile’s father?  How did he let you know that your job was to kill Joceile?”  

Those kinds of questions were always a struggle for Sasifraz to answer.  They did not lend themselves easily to one word answers.  “He showed me how to kill quite clearly, and if she gets out of line, it’s my job to kill her.”

On and on it went, round and round in circles.  But, the circles continued to encompass more area and hence the deepening of intimacy.

“Sasifraz, it’s time for you to change jobs.”  Rahne announced.

“I can’t.  It’s been my job for a long time.”

“You could have a different job.”

“What different job?  I’m trained for this job.  I have experience, and I’m good at it.”

“You have lots of skills.  You could come up with a different job that you were just as good at.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible.”  Sasifraz was resistant. 

“Well, just think about it.”

“What kind of new job,” he asked.

“You tell me.”

“Something like being a team player?”  He inquired.

“Maybe.”

Finally, Sasifraz said, “You don’t know what will happen if I stop doing my job.  I won’t be responsible for what happens.  You’ll be on your own.”

“We’ll deal with it.”

Sasifraz paused.  “I’ll consider it.”

Somewhere inside both me and Rahne, bells went off.  For me, at least, there was a lot of shouting and jumping around inside myself.  The words seemed simple, but Sasifraz had just said that he would consider not hurting me.

I had never heard such a thing from Sasifraz before.  I had never dreamed that it was possible.  After 18 years of Sasifraz always being out to kill me, I had assumed that he was just as inflexible and unyielding as my father.  I was wrong.

For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt safe.  It was the first time I could remember when I did not feel that somebody was trying to kill me.  Suddenly, I felt lighter than air.  I could breath.

I also knew that I had my foot in the door for the kind of life I wanted to live.  I felt that no matter what Sasifraz said in the future, this was a foundation on which I could build.