Why at night, the adult me wondered, always at night. I felt pressured by Sasifraz. All at once, I wished I could share some of that feeling with BJ. I wanted someone else to understand. I got into bed thinking, “What if Sasifraz got to talk to BJ? How would it feel?”
I felt iron hands clamp down on me. Of all the rule breaking I had ever done, this would be the worst. Sasifraz was the one thing that should never come out. And, if he ever came out, would he go back in? The thought was chilling. But, I knew it was one of those ideas that probably wouldn’t go away.
* * * * * * *
(MAN, SOMETIMES I FEEL LONELY. What brought this on? MY BOSS MAKES FUN OF MENTAL PATIENTS. So? I DON’T HAVE COURAGE RIGHT NOW TO SAY, “LOOK YOU ASS-HOLE, I’M AN EX-MENTAL PATIENT. I KNOW THEY’RE HARD TO DEAL WITH BUT HAVE SOME COMPASSION FOR WHAT THEY’RE GOING THROUGH.” I notice you said “ex” and “they.” REALLY, DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO PICKY? We’re all mental patients under the sun. THANKS. I’LL TRY TO BEAR THAT IN MIND.)
* * * * * * *
Not being one to postpone the inevitable, I called BJ to talk about a visit from Sasifraz. I was secretly hoping that BJ would say it was one of the most ridiculous ideas that she’d ever heard. Naturally, in that contrary way that counselors have, BJ thought it was a good idea. (Remind me to have words with that woman.)
So, I made a big show of coming up with options that would make it safe. I still considered, though, that maybe I’d lost my mind for sure this time.
I came up with a “Joceile Zone” in BJ’s office where I could step out and be Sasifraz and step in and be me. BJ helped me set up a time limit with a signal so I would know to step back in the Joceile Zone if I needed to stop being in my Sasifraz part.
For protection when leaving the session, I had my friend, Rice, pick me up outside BJ’s door. I arranged child care for the Gentle Wind and asked Rahne if I could call her after the session. I figured with so much planning, the event just had to be anti-climactic. But, I was also impressed that all the protection I needed came together so easily.
* * * * * * *
On the way up to BJ’s office, I did the only thing I could do and still make myself go. I didn’t let myself think about it.
Occasionally, an errant thought would present itself. “This is the most taboo thing I’ve ever considered—letting Sasifraz out in front of a counselor.” I shook my head and consoled myself by pretending I wasn’t going to go through with it. BJ said I could change my mind. I pretended that’s just what I would do.
* * * * * * *
“I’ve changed my mind,” I announced. “I’m not gonna do it.”
“OK,” BJ said.
“I’m just kidding. Now, why did I want to do this?” I added as a distraction. Just the same, I knew that once the door was open, I was going to walk through. In my mind, Sasifraz was strangely silent. “Who cares what he thinks,” I thought, “it’s up to me.”
* * * * * * *
Trust is the cornerstone of success in any relationship. Believe me, if I hadn’t trusted BJ so much, I would have never have stepped out of that Joceile Zone.
BJ and I had been talking about a recent visit from my mother. It was then that I felt the first nips of Sasifraz’s anger. So, BJ and I stood up. I prepared to take the plunge. “God, why did I ever have to come up with this idea?” I thought. “I don’t know how to do it.”
I hummed and hawed awhile until it occurred to BJ to tell me to just step out and let it happen. BJ pointed out that if I didn’t step out before I got into my angry part I wouldn’t have a safe zone to step back into. I could see the logic in that and stepped out.
Sasifraz was into lines. He had always been into lines as far as I could remember. The line where two walls meet. The line a picture makes against the wall. Feeling myself be a part of Sasifraz also included noticing lines for me. I traced the frame of BJ’s picture on the wall. My body got tight. The feeling was so familiar.
I absently thought about how many times Sasifraz’s feelings had become mine in secret. Now, they became mine in front of someone who should ordinarily never know.
“I would have killed them if I could have.” My Sasifraz part spoke moving around the room. “Ah, yes,” I thought. “Sasifraz loves to pace.”
“Why?” BJ asked.
“For what they did to me.”
“Who’s they, and what did they do?”
“My parents,” Sasifraz snapped. “My Mother and Father. For touching me when I didn’t want them to in ways I never wanted.” Sasifraz roamed around the room freed up from my normal stationary position.
BJ asked, “What are you feeling?” from a list of questions I had given her.
“Feeling?” Sasifraz stopped and wrinkled his/my nose. “Angry.”
“What does your body feel like?”
Sasifraz gave him/myself a pinch, “I’m not sure.”
“Does it feel tight?”
“My arms and my stomach.”
BJ consulted her notes again. “What happened to you?”
“Hmmm,” Sasifraz commented and moved off to another part of the room tracing lines as he/I went. “A lot of energy comes from here,” he/I passed his/my fingers above the faucet in the sink as if feeling it’s aura.
He/I turned quickly and faced the window as if addressing an audience. “She touched me when we slept together. I didn’t want her to. I would have killed her for it.” Sasifraz turned and looked at BJ. “Of course, I get to only kill one person, your friend and mine, Joceile.” Then, Sasifraz turned to view the wall and describe visual effects one can have while looking at a blank space.
From time to time, BJ asked the questions again, and Sasifraz carried on some about my father. The ten minutes that BJ and I had agreed on stretched long for me. I was uncomfortable in my pseudo skin. Eventually, having spent a fair amount of his/my angry dust, I stepped back in the Joceile Zone and felt little change.
“Damn,” I thought, “I hate being angry here.” I felt cold and inflexible. I sat the instant I was in my zone and couldn’t move.
BJ was patient, “What are you feeling?”
I wanted a hug but thought that the places where BJ and I usually sat were too far to move to. BJ hugged me where I was, helped me move, and held me. I started to shake. I told BJ I felt punished when I shook like I had done something bad.
“Punished?” BJ responded. “I can think of two possibilities for shaking. It could by physiological. You are fighting to hold things in and let go at the same time which might be creating muscle spasms. Or, you could be reliving memories. Neither of those has anything to do with punishment.”
I marveled at BJ’s clarity. Years of feeling punished were dispensed with so easily, because BJ didn’t believe I was doing anything to be punished for. There was also a nagging doubt that I had blown it by letting Sasifraz out in front of BJ. I thought of the years I had kept Sasifraz a secret from Western and beyond. I had meant to keep the secret forever. Now, because I had shown BJ, I felt all that time was wasted energy.
BJ was quick to point out that the need to keep Sasifraz secret for safety reasons was changing. The need for safety had lessened. I wasn’t betraying the past but was responding to changes in the present. I marveled again at BJ’s brilliance. I recognized my feelings as very old. It was nice to have someone around to remind me of their real origins. I didn’t know when I would have seen them so clearly on my own.
The hour was over. Rice would be at the door. BJ gave me a last hug and told me, “I think you’re really brave.” Although she mentioned courage to me from time to time, it was one of the few times when I really believed her. In fact, it was the first time I could remember when I knew it was true.