It had been a long struggle for the adult me. Full of details of gruesome murders silently hidden from the world and an indomitable effort to stay alive while facing the details.
In the intervening months, I had come out of the painful cycle long enough to realize that I had to break up with Leslie. With that realization came the next near fatal blow to my self-esteem—Leslie was not willing to share the Gentle Wind as we’d agreed so long ago.
The murdering brutality of my father moved into the background as I passionately fought to care for myself through yet another life threatening crisis. With that effort, I learned volumes more about myself and my ability to survive.
* * * * * * *
Every so often, in my battle with Sasifraz and The Truth, I would come up for air and notice my life. To my dismay, I discovered my life with Leslie was unsettling and unsatisfying. Each time I came up and looked, I felt panic and dove back in the Sasifrazian arena.
It was the month before Adrian’s second birthday when I came up for air again and acknowledged that I had to take action. I had run out of mental maneuvering room. I had no more ledges on which to perch unspent feelings. I had to do something. I broke up with Leslie without fanfare, without probation, and without regret.
There was only one bond between Leslie and I. It was Adrian. It took Leslie only minutes in the scheme of things to realize that the tie to my heart was Adrian. So, being in a vengeful mood, Leslie yanked it without fanfare, without probation, and without regret.
It was something about the combination of events—the timing in my existence—which caused me to stumble and then rise up within myself with more power, more strength, and more will then I’d ever thought I could muster over the last two years.
Leslie missed her cue. I did cut myself once under the stress of being threatened. But, by the time Leslie laughed about leaving razor blades around the house for me to kill myself, I had had it with killing myself for what other people had done to me or were doing to me.
It marked the most significant event of the 18 years of my relationship with Sasifraz. On March 7, 1989, Sasifraz said that he was willing to consider not hurting me.
This memoir does not purport to be the truth in any factual way. It is only my experience and perceptions of what occurred. In that way, it may not have any factual basis in any other person’s reality, and I do not claim it to do so.